Once upon a time, when Papa was just a little boy,
it was noticed very early on that he had what could only be described as an extremely large head. Extra Large is the tag manufacturers put in most adult male hats, figuring the retailers just won't sell that many of them as most men comfortably pull a Medium down over their noggin. But even before he was ten years old the Little Papa's Mama had to buy him Extra Large in a hat size. That would in adult size. And the horrid fact was that these extra large men's hats fit awfully tight on Dougie's huge pumpkin-sized noodle holder. When he was grown up and walked into a hat store the proprietor glanced at him, smiled glumly, and then sadly shook her head. "What?" Papa asked her, "you don't have anything that will fit me?" Again, the glum proprietor sadly shook her head. No way.
At about the age of five years his family began to notice disturbing similarities between Fred Gwynn, the actor who played Herman Munster, and Dougie's head. Both had extremely long faces, and extremely big crowns. Having a big crown might be a good thing if you are the king, but if you are a five-year-old boy the grandiose skull does not draw acclaim and applause.In the first grade he heard it. Generally, it was a very helpful, very sincere girl, possibly with big pink glasses, who looked at Dougie, and then looked at Dougie. And then said it."Your head is too big for your body."Um, yeah. Thanks. Dougie attempted to compress his head. It didn't work. His Uncle Bob suggested stacking bricks on his head.In the second grade he heard it. Another helpful girl. This one very pretty, but when she said it she didn't sound 100 percent helpful. Maybe 50 percent. The other 50 percent was utter sauciness."Your head is too big for your body."The Little Papa was always very small for his age. Not to mention short (please don't mention it). And he was always very skinny. Not only was he the shortest kid in his class every year, until about the fifth grade, when his friend Perry, from the Philippines, was just a tad shorter, but many of the girls were taller than Dougie until about the eighth grade. This small, and yet his head was larger than even the noggins sported by the teachers, some of whom were very tall. The least empathetic of the teachers might drawl: "What IS wrong with your head, boy?"It was probably not until the seventh grade that Dougie began to come back with a smart reply whenever anybody helpfully noticed that his head was too big for his body.The helpful suggestion: "Hey, did you know that your head is too big for your body?"A general response: "Yes. It's a medical condition. My parents have to keep swapping it for a larger size as my brain keeps expanding."Blank stare. Horrified glint in the eyes. Was it true? Was it a medical condition? Gigantism of the brain? Had she just made fun of someone who actually had to have their head swapped periodically with bigger heads? That just wouldn't be nice. Another horrified glance.But in the end, no witty riposte.The name came in the seventh grade when a girl that shared a mysterious love/hate relationship with Doug stood behind the backstop watching as Doug crouched at bat. He attempted to concentrate on the coming pitch, and Cheryl attempted to distract him."Peanut Head!" she cried.He was above that kind of thing. Then, despite his mental elevation, he heard her talking to her friends: "Have you ever noticed that his head is shaped like a peanut?"He struck out big time. The truth is, he pretty much always struck out, and it may or may not have had to do with the size of his gigantic head. Of course, carrying around a head that size, all day long, day after day, can poop you out. It is definitely tiring.That name, Peanut Head, arose here and there that year, but not often, and rarely with much passion or disdain. It hurt because Doug knew that it was true. He did have a very large head. He did have an extremely long face. Like the old and bad, yet hysterically funny joke:A horse walks into a bar and the bartenders says: "Why the long face?"That would probably be a horse named Doug. Yes DOUG, the sound that is made when you pluck one of the fat strings inside a grand piano. DOUG. (Kids make fun of your name, regardless of what your name IS, probably nice-guy Able once teased his brother: :"Candy Cane! Candy Cane!" and Cain was probably already looking for a large rock)In the Summer before his tenth-grade year something miraculous happened. At the beginning of June he was five feet six inches tall (even attempting to stretch his spine and stand taller, but at least he was two inches taller than his Mama), but by August he was six feet two inches tall. At this height, 6'2", and 125 pounds, he might have looked particularly odd, but his head didn't seem quite so long, or quite so large (of course it was the same size as it was when he was 5'6", but now it was at least higher off the ground, and as most people had to look up at him, they were distracted by the size and depth of his nostrils, which some compared to looking up the tunnels of a twin-barreled shotgun, and thus possibly overlooked the mighty circumference of his head).Still, the odd comment still came up, here and there, "You have a very big head, did you know that?" He started saying varied things, such as: "It's fifty percent vanity, and fifty percent hot air" or "that's the thing about being good looking, the conceit shows in head size" or "I was supposed to be seven feet tall, but drinking coffee stunted my growth, so only my head grew to its proper size, the rest of my body is just stunted. Well, most of it is stunted. There are still the other large parts. You know. Hands. Feet. You know." When you're still growing and hormones are doing odd things to you, and it seems like the days last forever, don't despair. The Ugly Duckling often becomes the Swan (or in my case, the short guy with the big head became the very large man, all around). Pimples might plague you, and braces might disfigure your smile, and bones will probably stick out in odd places. Remember, it won't be too long and you will be looking back at the awkward years as through a glass darkly, and the person you see in the mirror will be the full blossom of the bud that you once were. With maturity, and some extra poundage, Doug's head and body seemed to meet at a happy medium, and rarely does anyone scoff at the size of Papa's head (because he might trip and that awfully big head might fall upon them). Still, he refrains from entering bars, because it is inevitable that some bartender will inquire: "Hey buddy, why the long face?"All Stories © 2009 Douglas Christian Larsen
important - FIGHT THE FLU WITH HERBS - important
